Beautiful Monster
by Ms Llewellyn
Summary: BSxCC...Raped, Pregnant and kicked out of her house, Bella's sent to Forks to live with her father. There a new life awaits her, a freedom she never thought she'd have again. But even our worst nightmares come into fruition if we aren't careful.
1. Prologue

_**Prologue**_

_My name is Isabella Marie Swan and I'm pregnant. _

_I don't want a congratulations and 'whose the father' questions, cause seriously this child wasn't conceived the natural loving way and I had no idea who the father was - I suppose he was some sick twisted fuck whose locked in prison and on his way to death row for what he did to me. He deserves it. _

_That man was a destroyer, a monster. He degraded woman, hurt them, because nothing else could satisfy him sexually - he was the reason I am the way I am six months after the violation of my person. I can't look anyone in the eyes, afraid it will be his eyes I see staring back at me mockingly, cruelly dangling my life in front of me wishing me to bite and fall into his trap once again. I don't let anyone touch me, for fear it will be his hands upon my bruises, they've faded, it was the memories of them being there that remained. I miss hugs, I wanted a stupid hug. To feel love instead of panic. To feel charished and beautiful. _

_Because I feel ugly, dirty._

_I remember that night, it was burned into my memories - the pain, shame, sorrow, anger, helplessness. I hadn't been strong enough to fight back, he had been a good couple heads taller then me, with a hulking frame. He haunted my nightmares, robbed me of my sleep. I don't even bother looking into the mirror anymore knowing what I'd look like in the morning was enough - tangled rats nest, bloodshot eyes (makes me look like I contracted pink eye), dark bags resting beneath tired haunted eyes. I was a mess, I was falling apart and sometimes I wanted to blame it on my unborn child. _

_But it wasn't his/her's fault; It was mine for not being strong enough and it was his for his sick pleasure - for entertainment. she/he never did anything to deserve my anger and hatred, my sorrow. I didn't abort it, because I couldn't just end his/her life; he/she deserved a chance to live, become a wonderful person. Because no doubt he/she will be great - after all I was the mother and I would be raising him/her. _

_My mother never took the news well about me being pregnant - did she know the cause? No. She thought I had a one night stand (technically it was), she lectured me about the importance of condoms (I already know this, they teach it every year for two days in PE), and then asked me about the father. I told her I didn't know who it was - she called me a slut. _

_They kicked me out of the house, apparently I wasn't Renee and Phil's daughter anymore. Phil wasn't my biological father, he's my pro playing baseball step-father. I think my real father had a better job - he was the Chief of Police up at Forks, Washington. His name was Charlie, he never married again after my mother, no idea why. He was a fantastic, albeit awkward guy. I was going to live with him. _

_So how many people know that I was pregnant? Everyone. _

_How many people knew I was violated and raped which concieved this innocent child growing within me? Absolutely no one. _

_I was alone in this knowledge, I wanted to cry and vent. Life was cruel and all I wanted was a shoulder to cry on and someone I can tell my darkest secrets to. I wanted unconditional love. _

_But who could ever love a pregnant rape victim whose on the verge of an emotional collapse...?_


	2. Chapter 1

**_Chapter 1_**

_I no longer felt the confusion as the dream progressed. I knew exactly where he was going to enter, knew exactly where he had been, what he was going to go, how he was going to leave. Nightmares have been plaguing me since that night, six months ago; nothing could change that. I wished for one night where I didn't fear the outcome. Where I could run, hide, and he'd never find me. But those piercing eyes, towering frame, harsh breathes, and the sound of creaking floor boards froze me physically. My heart beat an untamed rhythm and my breathes came in short, uneven breathes. _

_I didn't want to be paranoid every time a noise startled me. I couldn't stop the fear from paralyzing me, for freezing me in time - never going forward. I just wanted to move forward, forget this ever happened to me. It was hard though, when there was evidence of that night growing within me. No one could understand how I was feeling, the desolation, helplessness, loneliness. The depression that settled within me was normal - or at least I tell myself that. I've never gone to a doctor for a pre-natal or anything. Scared that they'll find out what happened to me. I have no idea if the baby is even healthy._

_It's humiliating. Just like the laugh he emits as he stalks closer to me. The only thing I can do in this nightmare is close my eyes and scream and god, do I scream. This wasn't happening, not again. Its just a memory, just my fear lingering and boy did it linger. I hadn't had a decent nights sleep in six months. When I screamed during that nightmare, I screamed as he forced himself on me, lavishing me in what he supposed was erotic and sexual attention, I screamed in hopes that someone could save me from him - because I wanted someone to save me from him. But no one comes, no one ever does._

_I always wake screaming till my voice trails off and becomes hoarse with his words ringing in my ears,"your so beautiful...shhh, it's okay, it'll only hurt for a little while, trust me it'll feel good soon...God your so tight, your so perfect love...your mine forever, I love you my sweet, sweet girl..."_

_Why wouldn't he just disappear?_

_But it was that night, Renee and Phil gave up. I had awoke from another nightmare. I had been terrified, unfocused about my surroundings and that just made the fear worse. I hit her. I didn't mean too, I thought she was him; I thought he had come back for me. After all he said I was his forever. I stared into her wide, stunned eyes. I saw the change from shock to anger in her chocolate eyes so much like my own - I saw the frustration. _

_I watched Renee huff and leap from the bed, pacing up a storm - and Phil just stood there watching, his gaze unreadable. _

_"That's it, I've had it with you, your pregnancy, and your damn nightmares. I want you gone." She whipped out. I stood there frozen. _

_"Your kicking me out?" _

_"If that's the way you want to put it."_

_"You can't just kick me out, your my mother and I'm 17." _

_"Oh bullshit, you haven't thought of me as your mother in years, Jesus Bella we don't even speak anymore, not like we used to. And I never said I was kicking you to the streets, you just can't live here anymore." _

_"Where am I supposed to live, I'm not old enough to get an apartment, I don't even have a job. You want me to have this child in a Shelter for Homeless Teens?"_

_"No. I'm sending you to your father's, let him deal with you and your teen drama." _

_Teen Drama, that was such a more conservative way of covering up the truth. I was a nuisance and they wanted me gone. Sometimes I wish I wasn't human, because maybe then this rejection wouldn't have hurt as much. Maybe then life would seem bearable. I think she's being a little immature - she had always been that way. It was like she was a constant teenager, its why she left Charlie, he was too serious for her - too adult for her. I always resented how she gave up a great, sweet guy just because she couldn't acknowledge the fact that she was getting older and eventually she'd get grey hair and wrinkles. Now a days she dyes her hair and uses face lifting cream from Olay, Dove, and Nutregena. It explained why she dressed more like the popular girls at school. _

_Maybe that's why she married Phil, after all he was a much younger guy, early thirties - maybe it made her feel younger dating and marrying someone younger; even though she'll always been seen as a cougar. I took a look at Phil and looked away, there was no use asking what he thought on the matter - he never wanted Renee's baggage. I sighed, willing the burning at the back of my eyes to still just until they've left. I've cried enough in front of them from the nightmare, I didn't want them to see how much their rejection of my being in their lives hurt._

_"Go back to sleep. Tomorrow I'll call Charlie and arrange for your arrival." She left and that cub followed her. And when that door closed the damn broke and tears fell in rivers, sobs racked my form and I wrapped my arms around myself in comfort - it wasn't the first time I've comforted myself this way and I was sure it wasn't going to be the last. I rocked back and forth, wave after wave of emotional pain drowning me. _

_I wonder if she'll inform Charlie of the pregnancy. Will he ask about the father? Can he catch her in the lies? Could he handle her? If her own mother kicked her out, what would stop her father from doing the same after he grew tired of her and her 'Teen Drama'._


	3. Chapter 2

**_Chapter 2_**

_Three days later and I found myself at the Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport - it was crowded and smelled funny. I tried to ignore the tightening in my chest at the thought of being in a small confined space at 15000 feet in the air surrounded by people. I silently prayed, that if there was a God that they please not let the flight be packed or that I wasn't seated next to a man. Woman and children I could deal with, in my minds eye they were harmless - physically at least, verbally they were dangerous. But men, are generally larger in weight and height. _

_But like the last six months, luck was not on my side. Small cramped seats an inch apart, window to my left, large gentleman to my right and barely no breathing space. I don't think I could survive the trip to forks without a freak out; my heart was already pounding, blood roaring in my ears and I could feel every nerve in my body trembling._

_"Ma'am, are you okay?" I risked a glance at the blonde flight attendant. The fake smile on her face was nauseating._

_"Fine, nervous flyer." That was a total lie. I looked away sharply, I could feel the tears coming. I was in a small cramped compartment on the verge of a meltdown because there wasn't enough personal space - I needed that personal space. No one would really understand unless the same events happened to them._

_'This is your captain speaking, thank you for choosing american airlines. We will depart from Phoenix Sky Harbor International in fifteen minutes.'_

_I wanted my IPOD, I wanted to imagine I was somewhere else were it was open. But I could grab it till the flight was in the air, I don't know if I could hold off for another fifteen minutes, so I did the next best thing. _

_I leant forward trying to breath evenly, the belt dug into my hips just beneath my swollen belling. And I rubbing soothing circles on that bump. Some people might think that rubbing the only physical reminder that the traumatic event actually happened wasn't the best thing to do - something about triggering memories. But it wasn't, not to me. This child in me didn't signify tragedy, this baby was innocence. And I needed that innocence like a dieing man need water - or a hooker (depends on his last wish.)_

_My innocence was forcibly taken from me and it killed and hurt me in ways no one could ever understand - it left me empty and insecure. I didn't recognize myself in the mirror any more. But this was the replacement innocence I needed to continue on, because it needed me to be strong enough - I needed to be strong enough. It calmed me enough to act strong when I felt like falling apart._

_This very moment I felt like falling apart. I don't know if this would work for very long - it was a sixteen hour flight and I was wavering. _


	4. Chapter 3

**_Chapter 3_**

_I survived the plane ride with hourly bathroom breaks that lasted twenty minutes and many tearful encouragements to myself in that small mirror. I could do it, I did it - I was emotionally exhausted. I had waited huddled into an uncomfortable plastic chair waiting for my father. He had been late - he'd probably forgotten, because really Forks was too small to have any serious criminal troubles other than a wild animal attack. _

_But he looked different when he did show up, he looked older, wiser and more depressed then I last remembered. My mother had really broken his heart for her own selfish reasons. We hugged, greeted each other shyly - that was 15 minutes ago. It was awkward between us, the growing silence that was only filled in with our breathing and the gentle rumbling of the cruiser. I could tell he was uncomfortable, his eyes kept darting towards my stomach. I bet he was wondering who the father was, what happened. Maybe I could tell him? Would he believe me, or act like Renee? Could I take that chance?_

_"So..." I guess we'll see._

_"I'm pregnant." I was tired and I didn't wanted to dance around the subject. _

_"Yes, Bells, I can see that." he gave an awkward chuckle. I grinned. He was so awkward, it was adorable - seriously, I bet he had girls falling at his feet, now if only he would ask one out. I'd rather think about his relationship prospects and happiness, then concentrate on my own. It was just easier. I smoothed a hand across my stomach._

_"Do you know what it is?" he said. I shook my head._

_"Whose the father?" I cast my gaze out the window and away from him. I didn't want to think about him - I could feel the shiver of fear crawling its way up my spine, at the simple image. If I continue thinking about, I think about that night, I'd think about everything he did to me - I didn't want to think._

_"Can we not talk about it?" I whispered. He was quite a moment and I could feel the heat of his gaze. I could see the clogs in his head already turning. _

_"Okay." He hummed a little lullaby, one he used to sing to me when I visited as a child. I smiled. I had always made me feel safe and several thousand miles away, with my father for the first time in months I felt safe. _

_"So, I registered you at Forks High, you start on Monday." I swallowed thickly at the thought of school. I hadn't gone to school in months - claimed it on my pregnancy as an excuse not to go. But it wasn't really, I could have if I could handle it. But no one knew, I wasn't ready to talk - no one knew the real reason for me not going. _

_"Okay." I said yes. I had a few days to talk myself into handling it, I just hope that teenagers grew some respect and common sense. I didn't want people close. But the uncomfortable feeling that brewed in my stomach told me otherwise. _


	5. Chapter 4

**_Chapter 4_**

_No matter how much time you have to talk yourself into something, the only thing you achieve in doing is building up anxiety to the situation making it worse than it originally was. I should have just not thought about it; ignored it as the day came closer - but I didn't and now I'm left this quivering mess, my eyes skimming the schools parking lot from across the street in my father's welcoming home present: a beat up old red pick-up. He bought it off Billy Black some days earlier. _

_Two days I've been in Forks, its cold and wet and I missed the heat of Arizona. But it was easier to be here, than there. Here I know I'm alone - there I knew I wasn't. He was there and I was here, and there were miles and states and towns in between. It was a little solace, not a lot, but enough to keep some of the fears of him coming back at bay - him finding me and making me his forever. I shudder at the thought of his forever._

_I spent the days I've been in town locked within my room; it hadn't changed since I was last here. It was as childish as it was years ago - it reminded me of what was, what I lost, and what I could never have again. I didn't want it. I wished I could hate it, but wanting it gone and hating it are two different things. I could pack it up, place it in a closet and never look at it again. I could burn it, and never see it again. The difference was the pain, I burn it and it won't go away - I pack it and I can come back to it and look at it and forever remember and wish I could have it back. It was a piece of who I had been and against my better judgement I clung to it. _

_Could I ever find that girl again? Could this child bring her back? Could living here bring her back?_

_I didn't want to think about what the students were gossiping about, it was probably about me. Forks was a small town and small towns were deprived of changes - I was probably going to be their shiny new toy for awhile. Secrets were hard to hide here. I moved a hand over the bump. I was tiny and it was tiny and the baby growing inside was tiny, but no one could mistake me for fat. This was going to be the biggest news in Forks. They were going to questions and press and knowing teenagers by association because I was one, was that they wouldn't give up till they knew the truth. _

_The truth was my secret. A secret I was determined to keep. If they found out, it would come back. All of it. It would be like opening scars that still itched and burned and never really healed, it would be like pouring salt into open wounds. I was a massive wound unwilling to heal. The baby was the balm keeping tattered strips of myself together. The baby was my grace, my salvation, and my hope of a better future, then the tangled, miserable mess of my present._

_It was everything I wished I had. It represented everything I lost. And standing before Forks High, I wished this baby was me and I was the baby. Let the baby quiver and cry and be weak, while I was strong and innocent and I haven't been lost. But wishing was dreaming and dreaming had no place in a reality were reality was fickle and disheartening and disappointing. Dreams had no place in the world I lived. _

_I no longer had dreams, my future was open and disheartening, it was dark and desolate and I don't know what happened to that small spark of light...Sighing, I turned the truck off. I couldn't wallow here, I'd end up breaking. I had somewhere to go, something to do to take my mind for a while, later was time for such thoughts, later was the time to break and crumble and try and piece myself together again for another day. _

_I eased open my truck door, it squeal in protest. And I slammed it closed. Backpack on my shoulders, said shoulders slumped in a defeated poster, my eyes on the ground, and the dull whispers of the student body getting louder with each step I took - I couldn't hide here. _

_And that scared the shit out of me..._


	6. Chapter 5

**_Chapter 5_**

_I was like a fish swimming up river, or I would have been if people hadn't moved out of my way like I had the plague. Was it really that spectacular, unusual, for there to be a teen mother? Perhaps for a small town of Forks. Their eyes pierced into me and their whispers caressed my ears. It seemed as if they could see me, the events that lead to this moment._

_And that filled my heart with fear and doubt, the only thing stopping me from hopping into my truck and tailing it home was my will to be and appear as normal as possible, even when it was far from the reality. Normal was good, better even. But impossible. You can only fool yourself for so long before reality crashes and you end up burning in its aftermath._

_I had some time before that happened, allow me my fantasy for just a little longer, please. My hand brushed ideally across my stomach - there is one thing I could never imagine though. This child, no matter how much I try to disillusion myself, was not conceived in a loving relationship, a shared want between two. It was born of the most darkest emotions in this world, but she/he is loved. She was innocent and that was a reality that couldn't be faked. Sometimes its the only truth in this world that I can see._

_Blue, green, brown, hazel, grey, black - multiple eyes searing into me. Threatening me. I'm strong, I have to believe that - even if I want to break down, cry, scream, rage, anything that could make all of this better. Be strong for her, time will come when you can break, but that day isn't today, or tomorrow, or even a week from now. _

_No worries, Bella. They can't see underneath, remember the world sees what it wants, not what is. They can't see beyond the surface - You. Are. Safe. _

_I wonder if these pep talks really hold any value, sure they help. Their was no way walking through these halls without breaking down, screaming, cowering could be avoided without them. They help me survive and move forward. Keep moving forward, its the only thing that makes any sort of sense. _

_One step at a time, Bells, your almost there - see the office, just a few more paces. My eyes dragged from the floor to glance at the white sign with the bold print 'Administration Office' hanging from the ceiling. And as I breathed in, in relief - my eyes slid and captured the golden gaze of a pixie woman._

_I froze, like some deer caught in the gaze of a predator. My heart thudded. Fear? God, I hadn't seen a gaze so piercing, so predatory since that night. I couldn't breathe. It were as if the air was squeezed from my lungs - no not now, don't panic. _

_DON'T PANIC, BELLA, YOU AREN'T ALONE. Be strong, nothing to fear. I was so close to collapse and then she smiled, winked and fluttered away. _

_I could breathe again. But it didn't stop the anxiety from flooding my veins, causing my heart to pound, and persperation to gather on my upper lip._

_ I was scared, of such a small woman, something was wrong and I had no idea what it could be. _


	7. Chapter 6

**_Chapter 6_**

_The pixie girl with the predatory gaze wasn't far from my mind. I didn't know what it was, but something inside of me wouldn't forget. But I could place it on the back burner, there were more pressing matters - like finding my first class. The office had been normal for a small school administrative office, but it was the look the secretary kept giving me that made my insides quiver. _

_A look of pity and barely veiled disgust. It was a look I'd seen many times from various strangers and Christians and Roman Catholics, looks that shouldn't matter. But they beat at me, much like he did the night he did this to me. Only the blows weren't visible, neither had been his, small bruises on my thighs, my wrists, my stomach, my hips, my breasts, my butt from were he gripped me. The bruises they left were on my soul. My being. _

_And with each look the truth keeps hitting home. I'm used, second hand, trashed, garbage. I'm tarnished. And it brings tears to my eyes because who could ever look at me and not see me, the one that's hurting and crying and wanting to be comforted. I don't look in the mirror, if I do, will I see what they see? It's the only way I get through the last few months, at first I couldn't stop looking away - I looked different. I just didn't know that difference was, until I got that first look. Teen mom, whore, slut. I wasn't, really, but they didn't know that. They couldn't know. It isn't true, I know this, but knowing and accepting are to different things._

_I haven't hit that bridge yet._

_"Hi, Eric Yorkie with the schools paper, can I get a picture of the new girl for the article." He came out of nowhere and I had to quell all responses I wanted to give. Screaming, cowering, angry, afraid. I take a deep breath, my hand resting idly on my stomach, unconsciously soothing me. It shouldn't, but it does._

_"No article, no pictures, please?" I wasn't beyond begging. I didn't want to stand out, I wanted to vanish into the wood work. Be invisible to their judgmental eyes. My eyes are wide and my breathing is speeding up. He looks paniced. _

_"Okay, calm down, no pictures, no article. Well, if you need anything, just holler." and just as soon as he appeared, he vanished. And I relaxed as best I could. But it didn't stop the beating of my heart or the harshness of my breathing to my own ears. But it was enough to walk into my first class. _


End file.
